CHAPTER 1
As the flashing silver sword rammed into my chest, the only thing I could think about how much I hated broccoli. Now i’m pretty sure that’s the weirdest statement you’ve heard in awhile but bear with me for a moment, where is the rule that a near-death experience must have some cliche flashback of your entire life? Considering that I was just a 16 year old kid with no real skills, no life experience and average at best on FIFA, I had no real reference point with which to determine an appropriate reaction. So forgive me. Or don’t. I don’t much care anymore. But seeing as how you’re here, I may as well tell you why I’m about to die.
This is a bad story and all bad stories in my life usually start with Ben. Chisom Benjamin Okehi, Ben to anyone who knew him was charming, funny, my best friend and the bane of my existence. Very dramatic huh? Well trust me, if you were me, you’d know Ben had earned that name a thousand times over. Ben has that easy smile that makes so many friends and a floating mind that would happily depart for the heavens (both metaphorically and literally) if I wasn’t around to keep him grounded. People said we were such good friends because Ben was a ship’s engine and I was the anchor. That’s a delightful sentiment to teach a 10 year old right? Sigh. Sorry. I’m getting sidetracked with all these negative emotions because of the impending death and all. Let’s start again…
I woke up last week Wednesday and immediately decided that i wasn’t going to school. There are some days when the sun is at the perfect temperature, warm and inviting, when sky is so blue and clear it stretches into eternity. The cloud so white and puffy, bringing light and pleasant thoughts, the mouth-watering smell of pancakes and sizzling bacon drifting up the stairs. This was too good a day to spend with those heathens at school. I got my phone and texted Ben that school was a no-go for me today. The reply came three seconds later, “Ayy bro. I’m coming to yours for breakfast. Boot up the playstation”. No questions, just simple loyalty. Ben could be a treasure sometimes. I headed downstairs to appease the powers that be namely my older sister Millie. Millie isn’t your typical edo name which is fine because Millie was no typical edo girl. She was a critical part of a team that discovered the origin of the broken symmetry which predicts the existence of at least three families of quarks in nature. She won a Nobel prize for that. Don’t ask me what a quark is, I memorised that from her Wikipedia page so I’d have something to tell strangers who asked about her. You guys who think your siblings are perfect got it easy. Not only did my parents think she was perfect, the smartest minds on the planet agreed with them. You’d think she would be a pain right? Well you’d be wrong. She was an absolute angel. My confidant. My first partner-in-crime. Yes she was a genius but she was a better sister. As I walked into the kitchen, I heard her yelling on her phone in Japanese. I snagged a piece of bacon and watched the 5”3” tornado that was my big sister go to work.
“Iiwake shinai! Anata wa ima kore o shūsei suru!”
Which loosely translated to “fix this or I put my foot up your ass buddy”. Ben came in through the backdoor and hi-fived my sister as she left the kitchen to head into the study all the while alternating between two languages and nibbling from the plate of pancakes balanced on her forearm. He cuffed the side of my head while grabbing for the plate full of bacon. “What's good son”
“Everything b. Tis a glorious day to live and let live”
“Oh man. Please tell me you didn't watch Perks of Being a Wallflower again”
“It is such a good film!”
“That may be but it definitely gets you in this weird globalsexual mood”
“What's wrong with loving the world?”
“Nothing if you’re a character in a tv show but real life isn’t all that fluffy”
At this he adopted a solemn look which was somewhat spoiled by the streaks of maple syrup around his mouth and bare chest..
“Duuuude. Don’t drink it out the bottle. Why would you even- you know what? I won’t do this. Nope I won’t let you get to me. Not today Satan”
At this I grabbed the a plate of food and headed into the sitting room to watch a low grade horror movie I downloaded last night. Horror movies are arguably the best thing to happen to this planet (after Jesus and plantain) which was something Bob had in common with me. That’s probably why we became friends. We bonded over a carton of 80’s horror flicks that his grandfather cleared out of his old house. He had a yard sale when we were 13 and went to the same secondary school. Caleb College which was somehow more terrifying than every high school story ever. So there I was, this sullen dark haired kid, kicking rocks at this stupid yard sale I was dragged to so my father could look at old coins. He was this uber nerd who had a collection of civil war coins and money. Everyone in my family knew he was a dork but we all loved him so we didn’t care. And then I spotted the water-stained carton and the treasures inside it. I was sorting through the box when a glob of jam fell on a pristine copy of “The Shining”. I looked up into the face of the boy I would later call my brother and asked as calmly as I could
“What the hell is wrong with you?”
“I stubbed my toe earlier this week but its better now. And also there is this weird thing growing under my left arm…”
“Wait. What? What are you talking about?” “You asked what was wrong…”
“ I meant why are you pouring sugary snacks on cinematic classics?”
“Oh.” Peering down with an especially blank look on his face, he noticed that the end of the sandwich he was holding was leaking all over the box.
“Sorry about that” he said. “There’s wipes in the kitchen. And a tv so we can watch it.”
“Are you sure your parents will allow us watch it here? It is supposed to be scary”
“Issokay. There’s also a great big frying pan that I can use to protect us”. With that he made a cross on my forehead with the jam on his fingers, licked said fingers and strutted towards the kitchen.
“But- but, that’s now even what…did you say frying pan?..It’s the blood and gore not real monsters..” This was the first time that Ben’s special brand of idiocy would stump me, but as i walked along behind him I had a feeling it would not be the last.
The story continues....kindly subscribe to posts for daily updates. Thank you!
Written by :
Ede Osa-Edokpolor
charredelephant.wordpress.com
Hmm....Fingers crossed and sipping on a glass of zobo as d story continues...You got my attention from d get go...just don't crash it o...hopeful enough is d fact dah d characters aren't typical Nigerian kids (we don't do horror beyond "Eran Iya Oshogbo")...
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